As humans we are quick to judge. We only know what we have seen and what we have lived and although we are afraid to admit it we are terrified of the rest of the world. I have recently relearned from fellow classmates and also peers that I am unapproachable at times. Some see this as a positive trait--a trait of confidence and courage and others see it as self-righteous--a trait of arrogance and disregard for what I do not know.
As an Ambassadorial Scholar I have tried to mix with as many people and cultures as possible. I have listened a lot more than I have spoken and I have found myself in many uncomfortable positions. When I am afraid I talk about what I know (because it is safe and familiar), or I don't talk at all. I am one person who reacts two completely opposite ways to any similar situation. Admittedly, moving to a new country is hard on anyone. Moving to Fiji was hard on me. It has taken me months to realize that where I once was uncomfortable is now a place I call home. As I have said in the past Fiji has humbled me. Fiji has excited me. Fiji has blown me away and disappointed me in the course of an hour. Fiji has scared me and saddened me. Fiji has welcomed me as a member. I adore the people I am surrounded by--the eclectic multi-cultural mix found in Suva. But I am aware that it is a transitory place with people who never really become comfortable in this setting because they are always comparing it to another place--even villagers who have 'gone urban.'
In class tonight I was struck by a notion of culture and education. A notion that we often try to perform for others because we are laden with pride. This notion was spoken by my lecturer, a prominent Fijian woman who has been researching Pacific education and policy for almost thirty years. She said she was disappointed that we often marginalize our own because we are too afraid to admit that we do lack certain characteristics and when we are held responsible for that lack we retaliate accusing the other of unfair judgement. However if we stop and think, aren't we the ones who cause ourselves the most damage? On both a national and individual level, aren't we the ones who cover up our inadequacies--clinging on to shreds of familiarity so we aren't embarrassed, or flung into the abyss of uncertainty?
I am usually the first to volunteer, the first to offer an opinion, the first to contend an understood notion. Is this not a way to question the future? I do take sensitivity into account, but I cannot let it intimidate me because if everyone were sensitive all the time there would be no change, or growth. Education is nurture, growth, and the questioning of knowledge: what we believe to be true. As a human race and a global community we need those who are different; those who question what it is to be "politically correct."
There are many words and encounters which I regret, but I have also learned great lessons from them. Life is not something to shy away from. Happiness and discomfort go hand-in-hand. Resolution cannot exist without a conflict. Taking chances is something we must do. I leave you tonight with an apology for all of those who have been offended by my critical views and I look forward to future exchanges. The world is a place in grave need of change and also of maintaining almost forgotten traditions. How we strike that balance has yet to be perfected.
All I know is that I am a lover of the world and tomorrow I push the limits of my comfort by having two wisdom wisdom teeth surgically removed at the public hospital. I am putting trust into a fifth year dental student at an under-funded public hospital in a developing nation. I am having a procedure done that makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Four months ago I would not have considered getting a cleaning done and now I happily make my way to CWM Hospital confident that I will leave tomorrow morning in much pain, but just a phone call away from some of the best dentists and dental students I have come across. Is this not trust in global education; a step towards something different and unknown? A good feeling that Fiji will deliver me safely through surgery?
Tonight happiness is committing to something that scared me in the past and an acceptance that I will not be eating whole foods for a couple of weeks....
Vinaka
